Filgrimage's Worst Movies of 2013

2013 was a pretty excellent year for movies. I saw a lot of stuff that I really liked, but as The Dalai Lama once said, "You can't have a sunny day without a few rainy days". There were a few truly awful films that were released this year, luckily not so many. My preliminary list only consisted of eight total films, which I then narrowed down to five. Here......We.......Go

FILGRIMAGE'S WORST MOVIES of 2013

5. World War Z

I am really torn about this one, because I really dug what this movie was going for. A more panoramic take on the zombie film. An attempt to focus more on the worldwide effects and implications of the zombie apocalypse trope, rather than the carnage and make-up effects. I was really excited for it. However, I ended up walking out about halfway through the third act. I have only walked out of a movie once before in my life. It was almost ten years ago and the movie was Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. So, that’s a big deal for me. I just didn’t care about what was going on at all. The stakes were high and the action was intense, but I gave ZERO fucks about what happened to any of the people on screen. There was nothing special or unique about any of the characters, giving the movie more of an unfeeling pseudo documentary vibe that really took away from what it was trying to do. This might be one of those movies that I like better if and when I see it again, but just from the one experience, it was one of the worst I saw all year

4. Gangster Squad

Last minute reshoots are never a good sign for a movie, and while I understand the producer’s decision to change the film’s climax due to its similarity to the Aurora Theatre Shooting of 2012, I can’t help but wonder if this movie would have been any better had we had seen it as it was originally meant to be seen. The truth is though, it probably would not have mattered much. This Los Angeles-based gangster fable doesn’t do anything that previous genre movies haven’t done better. It’s far too campy to be serious and too morose to be any fun. Couple that with a completely charmless leading man turn from Ryan Gosling and what probably will be remembered as Sean Penn’s WORST performance of all time.

3. Oblivion.

I completely forgot about this movie about three days after I saw it in theatres.  I never thought a big budget science fiction epic starring Tom Cruise and directed by the man who brought us Tron:Legacy could be so incredibly dull. It looks amazing, but unfortunately, other than the visuals, Oblivion never offers anything remotely interesting or memorable. The whole thing feels like a car commercial from the future. It is predictable and derivative of pretty much every great sci-fi movie. Very disappointing.

2. Only God Forgives

Oh, look who makes another appearance on the Worst Films list. Mr. Ryan Gosling. I have had it with this guy! I don’t care how handsome or aloof you are. Pick better projects, my friend!  Don’t you try that “Hey,Girl” shit on me! Whew! Sorry about that. Watching this film is really an exercise in masochism. I appreciated the simplicity of the film’s central story as well as some of the aesthetic choices, such as the lighting and the…...well, the lighting. The endless tide of gratuitous and indifferent violence in this film takes away from any meaning or message it set out to have. Indeed a spectacle, but a pointless one.

1. Now You See Me

(Sigh….) Where to begin: This movie holds the distinction of being the first film I’ve seen to actually make me physically angry with its awfulness. I was squirming in my seat and clenching my right fist. Having to deal with one absurd plot turn or unironically cheesy line after another…...after another…...after another. I had half a mind to punch a hole into the screen. If I didn’t have my trusty Coke Zero and Red Vines for comfort, I probably would have, and would be editing this list from a federally monitored computer lab in the Looney Bin. This movie’s failure as a whole can be explained in four subcatagories:

A) Absurd and Overall Poorly Written Script

The screenwriters take a promising concept and turn it into a joyless farce that sacrifices fun for a weirdly pious message about the “true art of illusion”

B) Lazily acted

When Dave Franco is the most charismatic actor in your film, especially in a cast that features the likes of Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson, and Mark Ruffalo, something has gone horribly wrong. Sorry, Dave.

C) Obscenely directed and edited

The whole movie feels frenetic and choppy. It’s too bright. It’s too loud, and the visuals never leave anything up to the imagination, which is….you know….sort of the point of magic…...right?

D) An ending that insults both the audience’s intelligence and the fabric of basic storytelling

Worst.Twist.Ever.  Most of the people who enjoyed this movie who I have talked to have cited the “Unpredictability” and “surprise” of the twist ending as one of the best parts of the film. Here’s the thing. I love a good twist as much as the next guy, but if its based in nothing but “GOTCHA!”, it’s not good. It’s cheap and horrible. If Forrest Gump ended with Forrest going on a killing spree at the local post office, that would have been a CRAZY twist, but it would have also made it a shitty movie.

I can’t stress how much I hated this movie. Please, avoid it.

The Filgrimage Top Ten will be posted at the end of the week, and it is going to be a doozy. Stay tuned and thanks for reading.